I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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