I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
