you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore