I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
