did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
