Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
