Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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