I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
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If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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