I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
