Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
