that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
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Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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