Me too!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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