I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
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I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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