Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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