Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
