He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
These People Are So Awkward You’ll Get Embarrassed
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
These People Encountered Celebrities in Bizarrely Normal Places
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?