Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?