wat bout pragnant strippers??
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!