I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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