Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
