You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i think i have two assholes
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
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