Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Acid is not a monday night drug
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
