Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
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hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
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Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch