i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air