party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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