Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
