Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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