Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
