You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
