Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
