meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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