so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week