Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe isn't a time...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.