fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
