I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I just sharted jello shots
You did what with his pubic hair?
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