ya dads aren't the best wingmen
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
