I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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