i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
