I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize