It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
