I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
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It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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