If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
