the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
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My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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