Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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