everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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