im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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