After last night, I could never be a politician.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
