I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.