I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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