Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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