That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
