so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
