i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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