Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
