I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
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My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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